The most realistic horse adventure game ever created.*
A gentle-looking horse journey.
That gets weirder from here.
Ride down a winding trail and take care of your horse — feed, water, rest, and yes, there's a poop meter. Then you'll notice every horse in your stable has moods, habits, and a running list of very specific problems.
Feed it. Water it. Ride it.
Munch trailside shrubs, drink at cool streams, wade carefully across rivers, and bed down at cozy barns overnight to wake up refreshed. Standard stuff. For now.
- ★ Meters Move While You Play Hunger, thirst, and energy only drain while you're actually riding. Putting the app down never costs you anything.
- ★ Nothing Ever Actually Dies Neglect has consequences. Permanent loss isn't one of them.
- ★ Pick a Horse Each Morning Rename any of them whatever you like. Your whole collection is always with you.
Every horse has a whole thing going on.
A vape habit. An ill-advised tattoo. A feud with the horse next door. Ignore it and the story only gets better — or the horse gets a personal rain cloud.
- ★ 47 Ailments Injury, dental, mental, habits, body, and unexplained. Each one escalates if ignored, and comorbidity chains are real — a vape habit becomes a dental problem becomes a whole thing.
- ★ Despair A meter that latches. Once it's up, snacks and outfits can't bring it down — only therapy, the Woo Wagon, the pharmacy, or rehab can.
- ★ The Storm Cloud Spiral Bummed → Melancholy → Spiraling → Stormcloud. The coat goes cool and desaturated. At full ascension, your horse gets its own personal rain cloud.
A few from the Maladydex
Saddle Sores
The occupational hazard of being ridden by someone chasing a currency called schmeckles.
Wisdom Teeth
Vestigial molars that arrive unannounced, hurt enormously, and confer no wisdom whatsoever.
Rage Issues
The one ailment whose final stage makes the horse FASTER. Do not treat this as a strategy. (Everyone treats this as a strategy.)
Monster Truck Fixation
Mostly harmless, extremely loud. Advanced cases attempt jumps that the horse's insurance does not cover.
Generic Horse STD
Every stable's got a horse with a story like this one. This one isn't even that interesting, honestly.
There's a Woo Wagon. Yes, really.
Dr. Hoofman's Walk-In, Cavity Canyon Dental, The Therapy Yurt, Chad's Woo Wagon, Bramble & Sons Compounding, Puff Pasture, and Swole Stables — 55 services between them.
- ★ Therapy Costs the Most It's also the one tier that reliably works. Make of that what you will.
- ★ Vices A real, immediate buff. Real dependency. Withdrawal bites when you stop.
- ★ Cold Turkey, Always Free Every vice has a free way out. No horse is ever walled in.
The Trailside Plaza — all seven, in order
Dr. Hoofman's Walk-In
Walk-ins welcome. Waiting: forever.
Cavity Canyon Dental
You should really come in more often.
The Therapy Yurt
A safe space. Sliding scale. It does not slide much.
Chad's Woo Wagon
Chad is not a doctor. Chad is BEYOND doctors.
Bramble & Sons Compounding
Compounded on-site by people who mean well.
Puff Pasture
No questions. No judgment. No refunds.
Swole Stables
Everybody's a beginner. Nobody stays one. Some get hurt.
Puff Pasture, the whole shelf
No questions. No judgment. No refunds. Prices in Schmeckles.
- Scratch-Offs ×5 10
Five tickets. One of them is a winner. Statistically. Somewhere.
- Blue Thunder 15
Tastes blue. Works instantly. The crash is somebody else's problem.
- Refill Pods (2-for-1) 20
Blue raspberry. Because we care.
- Unlimited Phone Plan 25
Unlimited everything. Unlimited is a lot for a horse.
- Unfiltered Tablet 30
No filters, no supervision, no questions. The clerk does not make eye contact either.
- Monster Truck Ticket 30
SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY. It is, in fact, Sunday.
- Protein Tub (Vanilla) 40
Bigger than the horse's head. Vanilla, allegedly.
- A Coin (Digital) 35
The clerk explains it for nine minutes. You understand less at the end.
Every item here feeds a real habit — Vape Addiction, Doomscrolling, Monster Truck Fixation, take your pick.
Every habit has a free way out. Cold Turkey costs nothing and works — eventually.
Chad's Woo Wagon
One of twelve services, priced in Schmeckles. Chad is not a doctor. Chad is BEYOND doctors.
- Ayahuasca Retreat 300
A weekend in a tent with Chad's cousin. Either clears everything, or dissolves the self entirely.
65% chance it clears the entire Mental category outright. Fail the roll and the horse comes back with a new problem instead: Ego Death. Vibes actually go up while every other number goes down.
"Chad also does birthdays."
"Chad read a book about horses once and hasn't stopped talking about it."
Paying for any of this takes Schmeckles. Horses pick up odd jobs on the side — Race A Goose, Deliver A Box, Be A Horse At A Wedding — 40 to 180 Schmeckles a gig. (One of them is Carry A Mattress. He will not explain the mattress.)
Session notes, assembled the same way the game does it
Every Therapy Yurt visit builds a note from three real pools — one observation, one intervention, one piece of homework. There are 6,480 ways this can come out. Try a few.
It gets dark. Nothing gets lost.
A despairing horse left in the stable overnight might paint an "unauthorized mural" (the entire thing is one word: SOON), start a two-hour podcast, run up a tab, steal from the jar, or open every gate. You'll read about it the next morning.
- ★ Incident Reports Every overnight incident is filed and kept in a log you can read back through. Leave two despairing horses in the same barn long enough and they'll form a band — eleven songs in, nine of them about you.
- ★ Nobody Stays Lost Released horses leave a trail. Anything still missing after three days wanders home on its own.
- ★ The Rare Ones Are Safe Rare and legendary horses are never released, full stop.
One price. No tricks.
100 Horses to Collect
The Horsédex tracks every horse you've met, from Waffles to Sir Trots-a-Lot.
Dress Up Everything
Hats, shades, scarves, capes, costumes — even a skateboard. Kickflip over rocks if you want.
No Ads, Ever
No interstitials, no banners, no reward videos. Never.
Free to Download
The full game is included, no purchase required. Optional Schmeckle currency packs exist if you'd rather skip the grind.
No Account, No Tracking
No sign-up, no personal data collected — just anonymous usage diagnostics.
iCloud Backup
Your horses, their names, and your progress back up automatically to your private iCloud.
Endorsements We Definitely Didn't Edit
"This is technically a game about horses."
— Certified veterinary technician, Denver, Colorado"I really don't feel comfortable giving a quote about this game. It's kinda dumb."
— Satisfied user"No comment."
— Everyone else we asked"I laughed. Then I felt bad about laughing. Then I laughed again."
— A reviewer, processing"My horse has a rain cloud now. I don't know how to feel about that."
— Anonymous player"Five stars. I have several follow-up questions."
— App Store review, allegedly"Can I pay not to play it?"
— Charlie, Boulder"The graphics are bad... like really really bad. I hate this so much."
— Shannon, Denver (my sister)"Okay, why is my horse going through withdrawal from a vape pen?"
— A new player, visibly concernedSaddle up. It gets stranger from here.
17+ · Free · No ads, ever
Download on the App Store* This statement is totally not true. Like, not even close.